Shedding the Old

The advent of this blog had culminated from an arduous journey of decision-making and prayer. It marks a new beginning by which I re-prioritise my life goals and see beyond myself, to embrace the creation I’m meant to be and live that out.

Part I: Evaluation

Not too long ago, I made the decision to resign from my job. It was an extremely difficult time as I struggled to define what’s best. I had initially taken up the job because it provided a fantastic opportunity to acquire breadth knowledge about the field. However, balancing the stress of adapting to a new job with personal time took copious amounts of effort and usually proved futile. Despite the altruistic and meaningful nature of the work, I felt jaded about the clockwork fashion at which work flowed in and out. Weekends were spent resentfully in front of the laptop and I was bearing grudges against not having adequate personal time. Post-work hours were typically spent in front of the telly in a vegetative state due to fatigue. I did not have the capacity to spend time with family and friends.

After a while, I realised that my burnout (despite the lull in workload at times) may not have been an issue of adaptation but of job fit. (I would like to make a disclaimer that apart from my posture towards the nature of my previous job, everything else was pretty much ideal. I had great colleagues, fantastic training opportunities, understanding, patient bosses and a conducive work environment. I learnt a lot. But the work wasn’t what I was cut out for or could sustain for the next decade of my life.)

It was a tough reality to confront because it made me question about my level of perseverance in the face of hardship. It made me doubt whether I had made a good choice in pursuing this career path initially. In addition, leaving did not seem to be an acceptable alternative when I did not have other job offers to turn to. 

This sparked lengthy conversations, self-examination and prayer over the next few months, as I battled with societal norms of employment, others’ expectations and identity. Eventually, it became clearer that it was alright to leave due to job fit issues, even when there were no upcoming employment opportunities. I believed that the word of the season was to honour God in all that I do. And honouring Him comes in the form of obedience to His commands:-

(i) Seek first His kingdom and righteousness. (Matthew 6:33)

(ii) Love Him with all my heart, soul, strength and mind. (Luke 10:27)

(iii) Love my neighbour as myself. (Luke 10:27)

(iv) Go and make disciples of all nations. (Matthew 28:19)

My life, at that time, dismally reflected a fraction of the above. By remaining in my myopic, secularised, rationalised view on life, I would slowly but surely be drawn into spiritual decline. I did not want to believe that I needed to stay on in the job (despite not thriving) because giving up equates to cowardice. Or that staying on the job, at the expense of other priorities, is alright because I’m just starting out with my career. Or because not everyone could have the kind of employment I had, it was wasteful of me to give that up.

That’s what jolted me to stop and re-evaluate my life. I wanted to live differently so that I would be able to align my life values to the 4 commands listed above. I needed the space to think, to recover and breathe again. That’s why I resigned.

Unemployment was definitely not a walk in the park. It was a bout of fresh air but not for long. This consecrated period which I had deliberately set aside to seek God soon became clouded with the anxiety of not earning an income and being labelled as a freeloader. It was difficult to explain that the measure of a meaningful day could not be quantified when I was “being” and not “doing”. (“Being”: intangible stuff like building relationships, finding out more about myself through conversations with others, reading the Word, reflecting on life.). What was meant to be beautiful was distorted by my fears and my vulnerability to the world’s expectations. I was sorely reminded that the purpose of the break was not to seek man’s approval or to secure my physical needs, but to really enrich my spiritual walk. With the elimination of work stress, the point was to use the time wisely to build my foundations deep in God.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matt 6:33)

Bobbing up and down on the waves of worry and insecurity has starkly shown that I am indeed a fallen creature who is in great need of redemption. I know that I need to trust in God, and to view His priorities as my priorities. With family and friends’ support, I’m on this journey of re-defining my life to assimilate His kingdom values.

Next post: Part II: Realignment