Embracing the New

Part I: Evaluation (scroll down to previous post)

Part II: Realignment

I call this period in my life - unemployment. Some kind souls have courteously termed it “transition between jobs”. As mentioned in the previous post, it has been characterised by conflict, anxiety and a conviction to live by the truth. Despite the tension, it has been a fruitful season.

I was highly encouraged by my cell leader to join the Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) since I had the time to build spiritual foundations in the Word. Though every session has yet to be fully digested, I have been blessed by BSF and now aim to walk in closer fellowship with God. The availability of time and much reduced levels of stress allowed my fiancé and I to build our relationship together, which has been very much needed leading up to our wedding. Our pre-wedding jitters had brought us to a low point but things are looking up now as we learn to set aside time to communicate with each other, which has significantly reduced the amount of time we spend quarrelling. Serving in youth ministry has also built our relationship on stronger ground as we serve God together. Increased time spent with the youths gave me the privilege of speaking into their lives, which brings me great joy. I also get more time to spend with my family members and on myself.

In addition, I’ve had opportunities to explore various career options across different sectors. Through the method of elimination, taking into consideration feasibility and current interest, I have chosen to pursue floristry. The process of elimination was a taxing one, punctuated by impulsive spurs to get people’s opinions on the road less travelled, frenzied search to know God’s will regarding employment and ignoring comments that allude to the fact that I was going to be a “Tai Tai” (obviously out of the question). The fact that the jobs I had narrowed down weren’t sinful was enough reason for me not to struggle with society’s view on what a “proper job” entails. Since there was no time pressure to pick out a career path, I just went with the one which I was more interested in. Period. Rather than bemoan the fact that I had to choose a “proper job” just because I “had to” while having to struggle with a lack of passion for the job, I chose something which I was interested in and allows the space for personal growth.

I reckon that choosing to pursue floristry allows me to glorify and honour God with my talents. It also gives me more time to continue to build relationships with people and spend time delving into His word to know Him more. The uncertainty of this journey challenges me to increase my faith in God and to put my trust in Him for I know that His plans are for my good. I want to grow in depending on God more and less upon myself. It would definitely be a faith-building journey that I choose to embark on. Thus, even if the whole flower thing doesn’t work out, the process will have allowed me to grow in my faith, which is something that is of eternal worth and will never be taken away from me. At the end of the day, I could possibly be taking up a “proper job” but that would be another story for another day.

Rev Edmund Chan defined “Efficacy” to be doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, with the right motives, to produce the right result. God is an efficacious God. I believe that this season of unemployment is efficacious as it brought me a step closer to knowing Him. The fact that I can choose to want to live life in such a way that I can know more about my God, so that I can love Him and the people around me more, shows that this season has indeed been a fruitful one. And it doesn’t end here. I’m praying that in the next step of the journey, I’d be more acquainted with Kingdom values and continually learn to shed my old self. This journey has not been taken in a solo fashion. It has been the distilled essence of many family members, friends and mentors’ support, which reinforces to the importance of community in my life.

God created every individual uniquely and each of us have a distinct tapestry of God’s handiwork in our lives. Our stories may not pan out in the same way, but they all point to the same God, who’s sovereign today and forever more.

Shedding the Old

The advent of this blog had culminated from an arduous journey of decision-making and prayer. It marks a new beginning by which I re-prioritise my life goals and see beyond myself, to embrace the creation I’m meant to be and live that out.

Part I: Evaluation

Not too long ago, I made the decision to resign from my job. It was an extremely difficult time as I struggled to define what’s best. I had initially taken up the job because it provided a fantastic opportunity to acquire breadth knowledge about the field. However, balancing the stress of adapting to a new job with personal time took copious amounts of effort and usually proved futile. Despite the altruistic and meaningful nature of the work, I felt jaded about the clockwork fashion at which work flowed in and out. Weekends were spent resentfully in front of the laptop and I was bearing grudges against not having adequate personal time. Post-work hours were typically spent in front of the telly in a vegetative state due to fatigue. I did not have the capacity to spend time with family and friends.

After a while, I realised that my burnout (despite the lull in workload at times) may not have been an issue of adaptation but of job fit. (I would like to make a disclaimer that apart from my posture towards the nature of my previous job, everything else was pretty much ideal. I had great colleagues, fantastic training opportunities, understanding, patient bosses and a conducive work environment. I learnt a lot. But the work wasn’t what I was cut out for or could sustain for the next decade of my life.)

It was a tough reality to confront because it made me question about my level of perseverance in the face of hardship. It made me doubt whether I had made a good choice in pursuing this career path initially. In addition, leaving did not seem to be an acceptable alternative when I did not have other job offers to turn to. 

This sparked lengthy conversations, self-examination and prayer over the next few months, as I battled with societal norms of employment, others’ expectations and identity. Eventually, it became clearer that it was alright to leave due to job fit issues, even when there were no upcoming employment opportunities. I believed that the word of the season was to honour God in all that I do. And honouring Him comes in the form of obedience to His commands:-

(i) Seek first His kingdom and righteousness. (Matthew 6:33)

(ii) Love Him with all my heart, soul, strength and mind. (Luke 10:27)

(iii) Love my neighbour as myself. (Luke 10:27)

(iv) Go and make disciples of all nations. (Matthew 28:19)

My life, at that time, dismally reflected a fraction of the above. By remaining in my myopic, secularised, rationalised view on life, I would slowly but surely be drawn into spiritual decline. I did not want to believe that I needed to stay on in the job (despite not thriving) because giving up equates to cowardice. Or that staying on the job, at the expense of other priorities, is alright because I’m just starting out with my career. Or because not everyone could have the kind of employment I had, it was wasteful of me to give that up.

That’s what jolted me to stop and re-evaluate my life. I wanted to live differently so that I would be able to align my life values to the 4 commands listed above. I needed the space to think, to recover and breathe again. That’s why I resigned.

Unemployment was definitely not a walk in the park. It was a bout of fresh air but not for long. This consecrated period which I had deliberately set aside to seek God soon became clouded with the anxiety of not earning an income and being labelled as a freeloader. It was difficult to explain that the measure of a meaningful day could not be quantified when I was “being” and not “doing”. (“Being”: intangible stuff like building relationships, finding out more about myself through conversations with others, reading the Word, reflecting on life.). What was meant to be beautiful was distorted by my fears and my vulnerability to the world’s expectations. I was sorely reminded that the purpose of the break was not to seek man’s approval or to secure my physical needs, but to really enrich my spiritual walk. With the elimination of work stress, the point was to use the time wisely to build my foundations deep in God.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matt 6:33)

Bobbing up and down on the waves of worry and insecurity has starkly shown that I am indeed a fallen creature who is in great need of redemption. I know that I need to trust in God, and to view His priorities as my priorities. With family and friends’ support, I’m on this journey of re-defining my life to assimilate His kingdom values.

Next post: Part II: Realignment